Last day of the month
It's the last day of the month and I find that terribly frightening! In a month or less I'll be giving birth! I'm filled with terror, anticipation, excitement and a million other things at just the thought! Not to mention that we'll be bringing home a new person that we are responsible for (for 18 plus years!). YIKES! I've been reading as many Christian (and a few secular) parenting books as possible. Many have a wealth of information and many good tidbits to offer, but all the books can get quite overwhelming. When I start to consider all the "do's and don'ts" I get very nervous. I'm so frightened of messing up this kid or living a life that steers this child in a direction other than serving God. Frankie and I have really been observing parents and families for the last year. He says the vast majority of pastor's he knows who are the head of their homes, sincere and Godly, and true servants of the Lord, have children who are in the ministry. Those pastor's that are discontent and whose wives are not submissive typically have children that do not serve the Lord. I wonder how accurate that pattern is. I mean, surely it's possible to live as holy as possible and still have a child that isn't serving the Lord (since we all have free will). And equally possible are those folks that serve the Lord diligently and their parent's never went to church and don't know God.
Anyway, the other thing on my mind this morning is the news headline about Rep. Mark Foley, FL resigning because of emails he wrote a teen male page. There's much I could say about this, ranging from the fact that he introduced legislation to protect children from exploitation by adults over the internet, to the homosexual nature of the incident. BUT, I'm not going there. All that is obvious. My thoughts this morning were completely different. I looked a picture of this older man in his nice suit and dignified appearance and I wondered what horror must have filled him when he realized people knew about his emails. I wonder how embarrassed and humiliated he must feel...Not to mention his family (although I think he's single). Anyway, my mind when to Scripture and a sermon I heard my husband preach once on "secret sin." He preached on the sin of Achan from Joshua 7 and talked about how God brings our sins to light. Additional Scripture on this:
Psalm 69:5 "O God, You know my foolishness; And my sins are not hidden from You." Job 28:11 "He dams up the streams from trickling; What is hidden he brings forth to light."
Hebrews 4:13 "...all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do."
2 Corinthians 5:10 "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad."
Ecclesiastes 12:14 "For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil."
Ok, so what I was thinking/imagining is that however humiliated and embarrassed and sorry (unsure if he's sorry, although I'm sure he's sorry people know about it) Mark Foley is, that's nothing compared to how we will all feel before God. Can you imagine the day when we stand before a Holy, Righteous, Creator of the universe and we have to account for all our sins! Our evil, vile thoughts! Our attitudes and actions. I cringe to imagine. To think of looking in the face of Jesus and knowing He knows
EVERYTHING.
To end on a happier note, praise God for forgiveness and mercy! At least Christ's blood prevents us from what we deserve.
End of the Week
Despite continuous use of cocoa butter and expensive lotions, I have acquired stretch marks on my sides/hips. I know this is petty and silly, but it's gross and I do not like it. Pregnancy does such things to the body! Being a nurse, I knew about many physiological changes, but there were many little things I was unprepared for.
The SWI class last night was focused on public speaking, which I definitely do not enjoy or wish to participate in! I actually have to talk to the WMU Sunday about crisis pregnany's in Kentucky. Ironic topic, I know.
Our bank account is dreadfully low because the treasurer (again) forgot to pay Frankie last Sunday. We have $4. God is definitely teaching me so much about His provision and wants versus needs since getting married. As I've mentioned before, I was quite spoiled and got all I desired before marriage. This last year has been drastic for me, but I really feel as though I have (with God's help) handled it so well (so far). I mean, I didn't go to cutting back some, but rather a complete 180 degree change. I really don't find myself envying or being really discontent as often as I thought I would. I mean, I definitely have my moments! But overall, I don't think I've done too terribly bad. Our financial situation here has really shown us that people can get by on so much less!
Speaking of finances, I recently came across a website about adopting internationally. I don't know why but this has been playing over and over in my mind for days now. (Of all times, I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant, but maybe that's why the interest...I don't know). When I was reading the website I found about adoption, I really felt so burdened and such a desire to adopt children from these countries where they really do not have a future at all. I prayed and made a promise to God that if when Frankie and I are out of school and making more money (just enough to be able to afford to adopt), we will. I told Frankie about it and he is 100% in agreement.
The church is giving me a baby shower Sunday. We sitll have just a few more "must haves" before the baby arrives. There aren't many things though, just hats (I didn't realize, but I only have one!), a head support for infants for the car seat, some crib sheets, a sling (not really a must have, but I really want one!), and also some bottles and fillers. I don't yet have a rockingchair and everyone insists that is a must have, but I'm not sure if it is or not.
Modesty & Beauty
Yesterday evening there was a Pendergraph meeting. (This organization is for single and married women and we meet monthly. Usually there's a guest speaker and food!) So last night Mrs. Mary Mohler, the president's wife, spoke on the topic of beauty. I love her passion on the subject of modesty and she is a wonderful speaker!
What amazes me is that the subject of modesty even has to be addressed here at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. But there is a problem, both here and in the church. In our church there are young women that dress inappropriately...clothes are too tight, cleavage is visible, shirts and dresses and skirts are too short. The poor men don't stand a chance. In my parent's church, my dad recently approached one of the deacons and bluntly said, "I'm tired of seeing breasts in church." (One girl apparently flaunts herself weekly...and her father is a deacon). I don't understand the parents!
Anyway, here at Southern, just yesterday in class I saw quite a bit of cleavage, and about a half-inch of belly. Recently a young woman was talking to me about the problem of modesty. She has large breasts and wears clothes that always show cleavage. Her reasoning is that her breasts are too large and if she wants to look cute and modern, she has no choice. The obvious answer is, so what...give up cute and modern. Go for the classy, Godly look!
Anyway, back to Mrs. Mohler! She gave this outline:
"What Does Biblical Beauty Look Like Today?"
A. Dignified (I Cor 6:19--20, Prov 31-25)
B. Unique (Ps 139:13-14)
C. Modest (Prov 11:22; I Tim 2:9)
D. Gracious (Phil 4:5; Col 4:6)
E. Reflective (II Cor 4:16)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not what most of us think of when we think of beauty. Two last thoughts she gave: We should strive for contentment and seek daily to strength our inner beauty.
Sunday morning
Yesterday I cleaned out our closet, folded and put away 3 loads of clothes, vacuumed our apartment, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen and cooked two meals. I felt like it was a productive day, but my back, hips and feet HURT last night. My feet are really swollen this morning and I fear that I will be forced to wear open-toed shoes until I delivery this baby. I realize my toes my likely freeze and I will look absurd when it's below 50 degrees in the middle of fall wearing summer shoes, but regular dress shoes no longer fit. My feet feel 2 sizes bigger than before pregnancy. Next time around, I'm aiming for getting pregnant in August or September.
Frankie & I started a new family devotion. We're reading chronologically through the Bible (in a year). We read about three chapters most nights, pray and sing a couple of hymns. Each night we pray for a different need. (Monday is for family, Tuesday is for the church, Wednesday is for the government, Thursday is for missionaries/pastors, Friday is for the lost and Saturday is for miscellaneous needs). I hope we can stick to this plan!
Well, I better get to the shower. Frankie sleeps about an hour longer than me and it drives him nuts when he gets up and I haven't showered yet.
Friday
I had my SWI class last night and the topic was contentment. I was very convicted about my sinful discontent heart. The speaker read a great poem:
It was spring...but it was summer I wanted,
the warm days, and the great outdoors.
It was summer, but fall I wanted,
the colorful leaves, and the cool, dry, air.
It was fall, but it was winter I wanted,
the beautiful snow, and the holiday season.
It was winter, but it was spring I wanted,
the warmth, and the blossoming of nature.
I was a child, but it was adulthood I wanted,
the freedom, and the respect.
I was 20, but it was 30 I wanted,
to be mature, and sophisticated.
I was middle-aged, but it was 20 I wanted,
the youth, and the free spirit.
I was retired, but it was middle age I wanted,
the presence of mind, without limitations.
my life was over. But I never got what I wanted.
I thought this poem very powerful and so true. I find myself thinking sometimes, "If only Frankie had a bigger church making more money, things would be better." "If only we had another bedroom in our apartment and more closet space, then I wouldn't complain." "If only we had a church closer...If only Frankie was finished with school....If only I could find a good part-time job..." But the 'if onlys' never stop. The point is we have to have contentment in Jesus Christ in all circumstances. We cannot depend on circumstances for our joy. However, contentment is learned ...and is learned through experience. Anyway, the lecture was good and I came away resolved to complain less! And praise God more!
Thurs AM
Well, Tuesday got more eventful after my blog. The day was fine and around midnight we were preparing for bed. I decided to consult one of my nursing textbooks to try to discover the cause of the pain I've been having in my left upper quadrant...just under my ribs. I don't think I've explained this in detail, but here's what has been going on. For about three months, I've had intermittend discomfort in the area, but for about two weeks, the discomfort has worsened and become virtually constant. I attributed it to the baby growing/kicking, but the last few days I began to suspect something else may be going on. Also, the area is tender to touch, and slightly bruised. The discomfort is worse after meals, but is constant the rest of the time. It hurts both internally and on the skin. Just weird. So Tuesday night I became convinced I had acute pancreatitis. We went to the ER. (Frankie was supposed to be in classat 7:30am and it was midnight when we went to the hospital). Needless to say, the waiting room wait lasted about two hours. We finally saw a doctor and he immediately dismissed my idea of acute pancreatitis, but had no other explanation for what may be causing the discomfort/pain. I was sent to Labor & Delivery, where a cerival exam was performed (ugh!) and the baby was monitored. I ended up having a few light contractions (which had been occuring and I didn't even realize they were contractions. I thought the baby was just moving around!). Everything with the baby seemed normal, so they discharged me. The final word was, "maybe you ran into something, or maybe it's just because of these contractions." I was kind and simply nodded and left, but inside I was screaming, "Hello! I would know if I ran into something hard enough to bruise myself. And how can it be from contractions if it's been going on for months!" Anyway, I was outdone and felt like we wasted a night. It was 5am when we returned and I was still hurting and had no answers. The only positive note is that (hopefully) if something was seriously wrong, my blood work would have indicated some abnormalities. I guess.
I have an appointment with my OBGYN today at 3pm. Hopefully she'll be more helpful.
Well, I better go...so much to do today! Class at 1pm (we're having a 'fellowship' so I have to make cookies, Dr's appt this afternoon and SWI tonight. Plus I have to clean some and I need to run to Wal-Mart before class.
Tuesday
I'm just now getting a chance to write again since my last entry. The Family Life Conference went very well on Friday night and Saturday morning. The morning was a little less lively, probably because it was early! Also Mrs. York was unable to attend because of sickness.
Sunday we headed to Munfordville, and overall it was a good day. Frankie preached on sin in the church (Revelation)and after church a lady in the church, Bonita, asked if she could say something. She went on to tell that when she got out of her car this morning at church, Josh (a young guy in the church), asked her what happened to her car. Apparently there was a dent in the backend of it. She responded, "I don't know anything about it." She went on to tearfully say that she had lied to Josh and also to her husband, Larry. She said she also told Larry, "I don't know anything about it" when he asked what happened. She said she backed into a fire hydrant. The church all but erupted in laughter. But several were tearful as well. It was such a testimony and so sweet and humble. She asked for their forgiveness and apologized to them both. Larry, her husband, had a look of disbelief, but he sort of laughed about it as well.
How many of us have told even little lies, or skirted around the truth or some other sin entirely and we repent of it, but never dare apologize to the person we lied to. MUCH LESS do we openly, publically ask forgiveness. I thought it was such a testimony and such a encouragement.
Family Life Conference
Frankie & I attended the Family Life Conference with Dr & Mrs York last night and are currently getting ready to go to the session this morning...well, actually I'm not getting ready. I'm blogging! :) But while I'm blogging, I'm considering what I'll wear!
Last night was enjoyable. Tanya York is a good speaker...she's down to earth, charming, and she looks a great deal like Cameron Diaz. She has a good sense of humor and comes across confident, but not arrogant or superior. Anyway, she talked to the Seminary wives about sex. It was interesting...I'll write the details later. I do want to quickly say that my favorite part of the night was hanging out with two other couples! I miss fellowshiping with couples close to our age and/or in Seminary. Six of us were together most of the evening and I really enjoyed the conversation and company. It reminded me that Frankie and I really need to get out more!
Friday, 15th
Well, this week has mostly been uneventful. Monday was the 5th anniversary of the 9-11 terrorist attack. Tuesday I had Spiritual Disciplines class. Wednesday we visited Highlands Baptist Church. Thursday I had Spiritual Disciplines class as well as SWI. Today and tomorrow we are attending a Family Life Conference. Those are the highlights of the week, I guess. Uneventful.
I have decided to really focus on scheduling my time to get more accomplished. Day after day passes and I cannot really see that I am getting anything accomplished. I know that I end up wasting a lot of time, but I really want to minimize that from here on out. I have made a weekly schedule alotting specific times to do specific chores, reading, classwork, etc. I feel really guilty that I have not read more books since I have not been working. I plan to implement the following goals into my daily schedule: read required books for class, read books to assist in growth, read books for future classes. I want to read from each of these sections daily (at least an hour). I also want to be more consistent with my spiritual journaling, daily journaling, and prayer lists. Above all, I plan to devote an hour daily to Bible intake and prayer. I have been trying this, but it's not as regular and consistent and I want.
Saturday
The weather here in KY has been so cool lately! I love the wonderful fall weather. Unfortunately, I don't think it will last. Since it's just September, I'm sure we'll have more hot days before it cools off for the year. I hope the weather doesn't jump from hot to cold without several weeks of fall weather. I'm such a seasonal person...I have seasonal moods (I think I remember talking about that in psychology). My spirits can be so transformed just by the weather/temperature. It's very werid.
Yesterday Frankie & I finally broke down and went shopping for me some glasses! I've had a prescription for new glasses since May and just got a pair yesterday. I usually wear contacts and my glasses are several years old. (Not to mention they are crooked...terribly crooked, and I can't see out of them well). I thought I better get a pair I can actually wear and see out of before the baby arrives. I'd like to be able to see her at least! I really like my new glasses. They're much more fashionable than my old pair and I can actually SEE!
One of my greatest fears is blindness. I have such terrible eyesight. I cannot see a foot in front of me without contacts/glasses. I often praise the Lord that we live in an era where contacts/glasses are available! I pray that our daughter manages not to inherit mine & Frankie's poor vision.
Recently I hung a bird eeder on our balcony. It's been there maybe two or three months and not one bird has visited in all that time...until this week! Now we have a dozen visitors at all hours of the day. I really enjoy wathching them. I think I may get carried away...I don't enjoy being such a wildlife/animal fanatic...I just am. Friday I watched as one bird was constantly driven away by a couple of others. They wouldn't let him feed on the feeder. I kept worrying about him, so I ended up placing a bowl of birdseed outside under the feeder. Needless to say, that attracted several birds, but they really made a mess out there! (They all have left a considerable amount of birdpoop everywhere as well). Frankie just rolled his eyes at me. I asked him if he thought I should put water out and he said he thought they knew where to find water. Of course they do...but I thought it might be more convenient for them to have food and water right there together. If we weren't on the second floor I'd put a bird bath out.
Well, that's all the news for today.
Morning thoughts
Yesterday Frankie didn't go to class because he didn't have his work completed. He worked as much as possible over the weekend, but it was just impossible with family visiting. Neither of us went to chapel yesterday morning. I had my Spiritual Disciplines class, but other than that the day was uneventful. I did manage to wash two loads of laundry and go to the grocery store. I still have at least two more loads of laundry to wash.
I don't know if it's the nesting thing going on due to pregnancy or what, but the clutter in our apartment has been driving me nuts for the last couple of days. The problem is lack of space. Our two largest closets are packed so full that it's dangerous to quickly open the doors because items may be dislodged from their precarious position and come crashing down on your head! Frankie, of course, is a pack rat and does not want to throw away one thing. I had a box of items to give away and the next thing I knew, he had the whole box tucked in a corner of his study. I think I'll concentrate on removing clutter (when he's not around) this next week. If we had more room it would be ok to keep a lot of what we have, but because space is so limited, I think it's likely best to just give away all the extra stuff we have.
Labor Day
This weekend has been so eventful (and tiring). Frankie's family came in and we all stayed at our apartment Thursday night and Friday. Friday afternoon we went to Munfordville, where we stayed until last night. Frankie & I stayed with an older lady from the church and Amy, Jody & the twins stayed with that woman's daughter (also an older lady). They offered six months ago for us to stay there so we did. I guess it was easier on me in that I didn't have to do a lot of cooking (nor did we have to spend lots on food). So Friday we had a late lunch then went to some consignment stores and Peebles (where I found two pairs of leather shoes for less than $20!) I also bought a pair of maternity jeans from another store for $5! Woohoo!
So Saturday we got up and took a road trip to Nashville, TN. We stopped first at Andrew Jackson's estate, where we did so much walking! I'm glad I wasn't farther along in this pregnancy or I'd have gone into labor for sure! Then we went into Nashville. I think the Lord might have been testing me there; or Satan was tempting me. We went to eat and to visit the (new) Grand Ole Opry House. Afterwards, we went to the OpryLand Hotel. I had been to both places before with my ex-boyfriend, and it was very odd to be there with Frankie and his family and a church member! We walked into the Hotel and I recognized the hallways and the names of the areas. Inevitably memories scrolled through my mind as I recalled the last time I was there and the hotel was decorated for Christmas. Within moments I found myself comparing my life now to how it was then. My husband stood several feet behind me, not talking to me and never making any move to stand beside me, hold my hand or anything (which is his typical behavior). I've mentioned before that he is not a touchy person. He's uncomfortable with hand-holding or hugs although he says he wants to get accustomed to it. Unfortunately, I recently realized that my primary "love language" (www.fivelovelanguages.com) is "Physical Touch." This means, I need physical touch to feel loved and appreciated. So anyway, although it is an area we are working on, at the time it seemed to make things worse. I realized that this sort of situation was exactly what I had to get control of and it went hand in hand with the conviction I felt Thursday night (see 9-1-06 post). I don't want to play the comparison game. I know I have the best now. I also know that the memories and thoughts that creep up now won't always be an issue. Frankie and I are just beginning to build our life together. We've not had time to build years worth of memories yet, but each day that we do will hopefully bring us closer together. Every memory we share will help solidify the foundation of our marriage. Not to mention the baby we have on the way! The rest of the day was fine. I didn't feel down or nostalgic and managed to tuck the memories into the farthest recesses of my mind (and prayed for God to fade those memories quickly).
As I think about my life 'then and now' I'm happier now and I'm at a better point in my spiritual life. I know God gave me an awesome gift when he gave me my husband. I could not ask for a holier, kinder, more wonderful husband.
[I will add that since marriage I have really come to understand the importance of not dating an unbeliever, and not dating without the express intention of marriage.]
Sunday we had the church service and picnic at a park. They do it yearly around this time and it's sort of like a homecoming. It lasted from 10am until at least 1pm. When we left we took Frankie's family by to see another older lady from our church. She doesn't have much family and I thought she'd appreciate seeing us and the twins. I think she enjoyed our visit. Then we went back to the home of the lady we stayed with. We visited with her then went to an evening service at a nearby church. After church we headed back to Louisville, with one stop (Pizza Hut!).
Now I'm up but everyone else is sleeping. I'm pretty tired myself, so I guess I'll go take a nap!
September First
Frankie's family is here and I, like the good woman I am, was up at 7:30 making eggs, bacon, pancakes, cinnamon crumb cake, etc. :) Now I've shut myself for a few moments of quiet time before really starting the day.
I must quickly blog about my class last night at SWI. The subject was "Biblical Foundations for Marriage." The professor that spoke talked about how God ordained and planned marriage, and then he went into the "what" of marriage. He talked about: Separation (leave), Permanence (cleave), Unity (two become one), Partnership (helpmeet) and Intimacy (naked and not ashamed). I was convicted by the first one! Separate. He specifically said that we should separate from family and all other previous relationships! Ouch. He said that we are in danger if when we have an argument we call our parents (moms) and complain about our husband (emotional dependency). Also he said there was danger in the comparison game. When you argue with your husband and then think that the ex-boyfriend didn't treat you so bad, and he was really a better guy altogether. He said we start to think that the grass is greener on the other side. But truthfully the grass is greener where we cultivate it! Wow, what a great statement. I do love my husband and I am so blessed to have such a Godly, wonderful husband. I have to start focusing on the 90% that is good and let the 10% that isn't so great fade.
So anyway, the lecture was truly a blessing and offered practical advice for dealing with problems.
